Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in semioldguy's LiveJournal:

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Friday, September 25th, 2009
7:48 pm	If the World Could Turn a Little Bit Faster.... Every day this week has been a bad day. I am usually pretty positive spirited about these sorts of things, but I can't help thinking that this week has been a disappointment to myself. Current Mood: annoyed (Comment on this)
Saturday, August 29th, 2009
4:18 pm	Silent Every time I do something with good intentions, it ends up being the wrong thing. What reasons are there for me to try being helpful or to try doing good if no good will ever come from it? Current Mood: disappointed (Comment on this)
Saturday, August 8th, 2009
8:30 pm	Looking This is a bunch of bullshit. Current Mood: pissed off (Comment on this)
Friday, June 12th, 2009
1:04 am	Confused There is nothing passive about my aggression, my aggression is very active. Passive Aggressive - Of, relating to, or having a personality disorder characterized by habitual passive resistance to demands for adequate performance in occupational or social situations, as by procrastination, stubbornness, sullenness, and inefficiency. The only ting I see that fits me in the above definition is being stubborn, which I no doubt can be very stubborn at times, but in regards to my recent aggression I see stubbornness as mostly relating to not letting up on the aggressive points I put forward rather than stubbornness of inaction from someone else's requests or demands (which I have done before too, but not in this case, and I'd actively argue that it is not often when I do and almost always as a result of active aggression being ineffective or as a way to combat other passive aggressiveness). ..which really brings up an interesting point now that I think of it. Dealing with passive aggression with a counter of passive aggression. The first person being passive aggressive is more or less holding out to get their way. But reacting with one's own passive aggression essentially denies the first person's possibility of the passive aggression paying off, forcing them to either continue being stubborn and just not having their way (aka accepting a defeat) or forcing that person into active aggression (changing their ways). If they do the latter, then the first person is conditioning the second person's method of being passive aggressive in response to passive aggression, as there was a payoff for the second person, in that they got a reaction from it in the first person stopping the passive aggression that the second person didn't like. This in turn would make any sort of passive aggression ineffective if that is the initial response of one person, as the first passive aggressive person will never get their way, or only be able to get their way by leaving the mindset of passive aggression. It forces a person to be confrontational otherwise they put themselves into a lose-lose situation where the result can never be positive for them. Peple who dislike confrontation should learn to keep themselves from being in a passive aggressive position, as that can only invite a confrontation. If it does not invite a confrontation, then the passive aggressive person still does not get their way as the other person can just refuse to acknowledge or give in to the passive aggressive demands. Passive aggressive canot beat active aggressive. When faced with aggression, the only thing it can do is change from passive aggression. Active aggression does not have to change, as if it is met with resistance, you can keep pushing the active aggression. If passive aggressiveness is met with resistance, it has nowhere to go and must either lose or change strategies. The only time passive aggressiveness can win is if the person it is being used against just outright concedes. This would be suggestive of a weak conviction of one's own beliefs in order to be willing to concede to essentially nothing, as no aggressiveness or pressure is being placed upon the person who concedes. The passive aggressive person has to start mixing in active aggressive nature in order to then win the battle, in which case they are stradling the fence bewteen opposites as they are making arguments but still maintining a passive aggressive stance and making passive aggressive demands. This stradling does not stregthen, but rather it weakens their argument, as the apparent conviction in holding out is no longer believable once aggression is initiated. But the active aggression in this is also weak as it is based upon a passive demand, which inherently flaws the active argument as there will always be a hole to poke in it or an argument it can't answer until it either reverts back to being copletely passive aggressive or switches to becoming fully active aggressive. These previous speculations upon thoughts and theory used to go into a different blog of mine, but that has since been retired and these self conversations will be returning here again. Current Mood: confused (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 10th, 2009
3:41 pm	What the Fuck is Her Problem?! She says she wants to talk more often. I want to talk more often, so that's fine with me. However, the same time that she says this she also doesn't even answer or return my calls yet STILL complains that we should talk more often. She is awake when I call, so I don't know why she would ignore the phone and choose not to call back. She's used the excuse that she doesn't always like talking only late at night. Well that's fine, but a lot of the times that I do call earlier, she doesn't answer and it goes to her voicemail. Then she will either call me back late at night, or not at all. Most other times she isn't home until late at night anyway so when exactly does she expect to be able to talk? As the saying goes: actions speak louder than words. My actions support my words that I want to talk more. Her actions don't. Current Mood: angry (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 20th, 2009
9:41 am	Just Ignore It To Begin With Today is a bad and hopeless day. Current Mood: angry (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 12th, 2009
1:04 pm	Expressions... Literally! Expressions are silly (as they should be since they are usually exagerrations) Have you ever actually seen someone eat an entire horse? Or has someone ever smiled from ear to ear? How often would it be that if something was a little bit closer there would all of a sudden be a cigar? Did you ever get a penny for your thoughts? Has ceasing to do something turned anyone into a cold turkey? When will Hell actually break loose? Do people's eyes actually have apples? Would you ever wait to do something until someone drops a hat? I could go on and on... and I am sure many others could continue endlessly as well. But I will leave it at that. Actually there is one more thing I would like to say about expressions/sayings before getting back to work. Did you know that the expression "balls to the wall" does not refer to the male anatomy in any way? It originated with pilots. Apparently the handles on the control of the throttle/fuel mixture often have ball-shaped grips. Pressing the "balls" forward (toward the "wall" of the cockpit) applies full throttle and thus greatest possible speed. Current Mood: working (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 4th, 2009
5:02 pm	Bored I much prefer a day when I have too little time than a day when I have too much. I am however getting something in the mail tomorrow and am quite excited about it!! Saturday I heard a couple songs on the radio I quite liked. As usual when I hear a song I hadn't heard of and like I text messaged myself some of the lyrics so that I'd remember to look the songs up when I was somewhere I could. I know... I am quite clever. It turns out that the two songs I liked were songs I already had on CD's I've already purchased and artists I liked but for some reason didn't recognize. I felt both dumb and disappointed that I (1) Didn't realize the song/artist; and (2) Didn't actually find any new songs from my efforts. A moment of nostalgia: On top of spaghetti, All covered with cheese, I lost my poor meatball, When somebody sneezed. It rolled off the table, And on to the floor, And then my poor meatball, Rolled out of the door. It rolled in the garden, And under a bush, And then my poor meatball, Was nothing but mush. The mush was as tasty As tasty could be, And then the next summer, It grew into a tree. The tree was all covered, All covered with moss, And on it grew meatballs, And tomato sauce. So if you eat spaghetti, All covered with cheese, Hold on to your meatball, Whenever you sneeze. Current Mood: nostalgic Current Music: Feeling This - Blink 182 (Comment on this)
Monday, January 12th, 2009
12:12 am	When You Know It Won't Work like Someone Else Thinks It Will Work.... I'm upset. And not because the Chargers lost today.... Or that I still don't have my car back from the shop after two weeks without it.... Or that my tooth is bothering me today after it hadn't for a while.... And I'm not upset because a part of my job was swept out from under me while I was looking another way.... Nor am I upset by the fact that I still have not reclaimed control of my room from back in November.... I am upset because there are people that would rather avoid and prevent spending time with me and who make no effort to reestablish a connection for a future time. They seem content in making it seem as though they don't want to put effort into our friendship anymore. They'd rather sit away their time at home in their rooms than spend time out with a friend. The worst part is... they wouldn't even know who they were if they were reading this right now. Current Mood: irritated (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 9th, 2008
1:37 pm	Last Breath Tomorrow will be the fourth birthday of this journal. Current Mood: empty (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 29th, 2008
10:59 am	But God Does It Feel So Good So I haven't had an update here in a while. I also notice that I begin a lot of statements in my journal with "So" and I have no idea why because I don't think I do that anywhere else hardly ever. If you don't I use "so" a lot, it's because I am overconsciously aware of this and go back and delete half or more of them in every entry before posting. Anyway (another common, but less self-bothersome word I use here), a few days ago, or maybe longer, I was running some errands. I Backed into a parking space and as I got out there is some lady walking to her car and she says to me "I think you just hit my car." "No. I'm pretty sure I didn't," I reply. "I think you did," she retorts, "this wasn't here before," as she points to a bunch of scratches all up the side of her enormous SUV bumper." "No, that couldn't have been my car." "It must be; it wasn't there before." "No, I mean, this physically can't be my car. My car is not tall enough to make these scratches." "Well, I'm going to need your information." "I'm not giving you my information." "Well, then I'm going to have to call the cops." "Okay, go for it. I'm still not giving you my information." She doesn't call the cops and I spend the next few minutes convincing her that it is not a physically possibility for my car to make the scratches on her car. Of course by now I have already been suspisious for a bit that she is looking for a free fix to make her car look nice again at my expense. I tell her to inspect my car, to which she is hesitant to do. My car is pristine, not a scratch on it. Eventually she gives up with an "I guess you're right." and I am allowed to proceed with my errands. Kyle does not allow himself to be taken advantage of so easily. Current Mood: busy Current Music: Misery Business - Paramore (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 15th, 2008
1:46 pm	Time To Be Around Again I've been keeping myself busy so far this summer. Been keeping in contact and hanging out with a lot of people. It's been quite fun. I haven't really had a journal entry in a while that composed of a recap of my recent activities, as the majority of them used to be. So that's what this one is going to be for. Saturday I went over to Mike's place, along with Ben, Ryan and Eric, and the five of us played cards for several hours. I also had no idea where Ben lived and discovered that he lives pretty close to me which is cool. Smoked pot for the first time in a long time this night. I don't intend on making it a recurring habit again though. I am kind of diappointed in myself that I did, but also not really. I know I am in control of it and it isn't something I'll ever do on a regular basis again. All in all though it was a fun night. Sunday I went hiking for a few hours with Dustin in Sorrento Velley. I managed to get sunburned a bit on my neck and backs of my legs. I didn't even notice the burns until much later that night when I got in a shower and the warm water felt a little less than pleasant on my burned skin. I enjoyed the hike though, especially since it was one I hadn't done before. Yesterday I went to visit Maxie, who had been bothering me to do so several times over the past week or so. She has a broken foot and is not very mobile. I met Maxie a few months ago; at which point I stole her phone for a bit and entered my number in as "Strange Guy." Needless to say, she was slightly confused when I sent her a text message a few weeks later. I did eventually reveal my identity. Apparently I am still listed in her phone as "Strange Guy" and I don't think it is going to be edited at this point. Today, after work I have plans to hang out with Kim. I'm not entirely sure what we will end up doing. Probably something simple/boring like eating food or seeing a movie. Hadn't really thought about what to do when I asked if she was free tonight. Oh well. I'm decent at improvising and consider myself to be a fun person to hang out with besides. I'm not too worried about it. Current Mood: good (Comment on this)
Monday, July 14th, 2008
1:11 am	Here's a Riddle... When you care enough about it, no one else will care about it with you. And when you don't care about it, there are always others willing to care about it with you. Current Mood: listless Current Music: Never Let You Go - Third Eye Blind (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 10th, 2008
9:38 am	Me Tuesday, June 24, 2008; 9:23 a.m. That day is likely the day I will credit in my future as being when I began to develop a new outlook upon life that could potentially forever change the way I view myself and the world. Some of it is just a realization of how I already am and other parts to it are creating entirely new viewpoints and approaches to life's situations. Unfortunately I cannot share with my journal how I came upon this or what this life changing thing is. I'll use the excuse that it's somewhat personal, tell you that if you guess you'd be wrong (and I honestly believe you would be wrong no matter who you are), and leave it at that. But I forsee that it will vastly impact my way of living; and if I am correct I won't need to write it down in order to remember my discovery. The last few weeks have been nothing short of inspiring in this regard and I feel that I will forever be a better person because of what I learned and what I now aim to do and improve in myself. Current Mood: empowered (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 2nd, 2008
12:11 pm	The Traps of Life I don't normally make two posts in a day, but I wanted to post this: The Traps of Life: Trap # 1: The Trap of Tomorrow Tomorrow. Tomorrow can be feared, or desired. Tomorrow could be anything. Tomorrow could be nothing. This unpredictability of tomorrow is why we must live in the present. You could die today. You could die tomorrow. Wasting your time thinking about tomorrow is a terrible idea. Fearing tomorrow is just as bad as wanting tomorrow. Whatever tomorrow has in store for you will happen. Tomorrow will come soon enough. In fact, tomorrow will come too soon. Screw tomorrow. Live for today. Tomorrow will come whether you like it or not, so stop worrying about it. It's pointless. Living for tomorrow is a veil that can blind anyone; be strong, don't be blinded by it. Trap #2: The Trap of Yesterday Yesterday. Was yesterday good or bad? Why do you even care? Are you ever going to feel what you felt yesterday again? Probably. BUT are you going to be in that EXACT situation ever again? Hell no. Yesterday is over. Whatever happened yesterday is done and over with, and is a part of your life forever. Live for today, yesterday could have been the best day of your life, it could have been the worst day of your life, it could even have been an average day. What difference does it make? Its over no matter what. Live in the present no matter how terrible the present is. Dont forget about those great memories of yesterday, they are all you have. But dont dwell on them. Look to the past only when you want to remember an old friend, or an old place, or an old feeling, or an old situation. Remembering a great feeling every now and then is completely different than living in that feeling, or trying to make that feeling last longer than it was meant. Again, live for today. It's all that matters. Trap #3: The Trap of the Closed Door There are millions upon millions of chances, choices, and opportunities we as humans have. It is impossible to take advantage of every one. Most of the time we dont even see a hundredth of them. When one door in your life closes, always remember there are a million more open ones. Always remember that there are still millions of doors that are always open in your life. Focusing on that one closed door will waste your time on this planet. Every thought you spend on that closed door will bring you closer to the end of your life. Look at the possibilities, not the impossibilities. Why worry about something that never was meant to be? Something that never could be? Never forget that closed door, it will make a nice memory, but do not focus all of your attention to it. It's pointless, don't let this trap in life hold you back. Trap #4: The Trap of Change Think about how your day went. Now compare that to yesterday. How were the two days different? It is likely they aren't different hardly at all. This is because we as humans get into the classic routine thing. Well this is unavoidable. It is impossible to get a new job every day and it is impossible to do something new everyday. But what happens when we get into those routines, is we end up fearing change. We actually go out of our way to avoid change. Change is the spice of life. Change makes our lives exciting. Do not fear change. You should seek change in your life, not avoid it. I believe we fear change because once we are happy and once we have a purpose we are afraid of losing it. Can anybody say lack of risk? Live it up baby!!! Change is coming. You are changing everyday. Right now you're changing as you read my words. I am changing you right now. Don't be afraid of change!!! Change is good. Change will make your life fun and exciting. Do you not want a fun and exciting life? Trap #5: The Trap of Giving up on Love Love makes the world go round. We have all had disastrous love experiences. By letting that pain you felt during that hard time will only make your life less of an adventure. If you keep trying, you will find a person who you love, and who you would die for, and a person who would die for you, and who loves you. Keep looking, Keep loving, keep searching. You'll find her. Do not let the pain of the yesterday hold you back today. NEVER give up on love. Love is why you're alive today. Your parents probably loved each other at some time if they do not love each other today. Think about it. Someone has loved you, return that love to the world. Hate will only drag you down and destroy your life. To Love is to live. So keep on living. Trap #6: The Trap of not Fighting Ever want to give up? Of course. We all want to give up. We all want the easy way out. If you give up every time you will fail to live your life to its fullest. Keep fighting through it. You'll get out. I promise you'll get out. Whether it is by death or with life, you will get out. You must keep trying to achieve what you want. If you give up now, all the time you spent yesterday will have been in vain, and tomorrow will be forever changed. Keep fighting through the toughest times of your life, they will pass. Keep going!!! Trap #7: The Trap of Fighting This is contradictory to the trap above. What you must understand is that you must achieve equilibrium between fighting and not fighting. You must know when you have been defeated. If you fight for something you will never achieve then all the time you spent will be spent in vain. Fight for the possible, not for the impossible. You must know when to throw in the towel, and when you do, hold your chin high and have pride because you did one of the hardest things to do, admit defeat. We all lose in life. We also win every now and then too. The key is to treat every loss as a victory, because for every loss you encounter, you will leave the situation with more experience. Is that not a victory? Its always win-win. Trap #8: The Trap of Dreams Dreams are wonderful. Everyone has dreams. Everyone has wished at some point in their life they were someone else, or could do something they can't do. The power of dreams is a strong one. Chasing your dreams is an act very few of us do though. Most people live in their dreams. Most people are actually content with just dreaming something, and not living it. It you do not chase after your dreams, then your dreams are holding you back. The power of dreams is pretty strong huh? They can guide you through your life, or hold you from achieving anything. Chase your dreams. Go after what you dream about. Unless your dream is to walk and you have no legs, then dont tell about me about how it could never be. If it never could be, then so be it, but how will you ever know for sure if you never try? At least try to follow your dreams, if you physically cannot achieve them, then at least you tried. Trap #9: The Trap of False Hope Some things were never meant to be. Its a fact of life. Some things you will never have, and never have a chance to get. You must accept this. If you keep living in your wonderland and if you keep thinking that it will happen when you know in your heart it never will, then there goes more time of your life wasted. Believing something that isn't true may make you feel better, but it will only hurt you in the long run. Accept the truth for what it is. Stop giving yourself false hope. Trap #10: The Trap of the Perfect and Normal Life Think about what you want your life to be like. You probably want a house, a nice job, a beautiful wife, maybe a few kids. Who knows? Only you do. We all have these ideas of a perfect life. We all have ideas of how we want our lives to be. This perfect little normal life is an illusion. You cant define normal. No one can. Normal is a word used to confuse people into believing something is right. You will never be normal. No one is normal. Every person is different and so how can you be normal in a world full of diversity? There is no perfect and normal life. Your life is what you make it. People also mistake the world boring for normal. Spice up your life. Normal people have no idea what in the hell they want. This is why they call themselves normal. They have been led to believe that what they are doing is the right thing, and that anything else would be weird. Life is a journey, not a destination--Aerosmith. There is no perfect life, there is no such thing as a normal life, and there is no such thing as the right thing. You and only you can decide these things for yourself. Trap #11: The Trap of that Perfect Girl You have an idea of a woman. We all do. There is no such thing as a perfect woman. You must understand that there are so many wonderful females out there that there will be a ton of perfect ones. You must keep an open mind when searching for the one, or you will blind yourself of what you really want. That perfect female is just another person, but a person who you have literally forced yourself into loving because you believe you must love anyone who has long brown hair, a cute face, a nice body, etc. Keep an open mind while in the world of females. You'll find the one, but quit forcing yourself to love. Trap #12: The Trap of Depression Don't even lie. You have been depressed in your life. We all have. We have all had our days. In fact there are many in this world who are depressed right now. Try to remember back to when you were depressed. You actually didn't want to feel happy huh? You avoided having fun and you avoided smiling. You were trying not to be happy. If you do not make an effort to get out of depression then you never will. You must find it within yourself to love happiness and try to end those miserable feelings. Always fight depression. NEVER let it win. Fight it until you either defeat it or die. Do not give in. If you trust me on this, then you have nothing to worry about and you will feel better in no time at all. This is one of the most common traps. Trap #13: The Trap of Forgetting Nothing Lasts Forever Nothing lasts forever. When you enter anything, you must remember that it won't last forever. Accept this. Do not fear this either. If you do then it will be over and you wont have spent any of the time you had well. Spend the time you are given well, because tomorrow will come and sometime in the future it will end. The only thing you can do is accept this. When it ends, give it up and move on. Thats all you can do. Good luck, this is a hard trap to avoid. Trap #14: The Trap of Fear I don't care who you are. I don't care what you have done in your life. You have been scared. There is not one person one this planet who can truthfully say he has never been scared in his life. There is a nice quote I know. Here it is. Courage is not a lack of fear, but is acting in spite of it--Mark Twain. If you let your fears run your life, then your life will have been in vain. Face up to your fears. Look them in the eye and tell them you arent a coward. Never back down. You run your life, not your damn fears. Put your chin up and walk straight to your fear, look at it, and just do it. Do the thing that has scared you for your entire life. Just go for it. You are not a coward and you are in control of your own life. Fear is just another one of the many othat stand in the way of living. Don't let it defeat you Trap #15: The Trap of Being Mature Instead of Having Fun I see people do this all the time. You'll know exactly what Im talking about too. You know that person who always avoids having fun? Why do you think he does this? He in his little mind thinks he is being mature by not having fun. There is a fine line between maturity and having fun. Listen to the Webster definition of maturity. Mature: having completed natural growth and development. Where in the hell does it say anything about not having fun? Stop using the excuse, I'm too mature for that. You are only making your life miserable. Have fun. Being mature and having fun are two entirely separate issues, but for some reason in our society today, people link the two of them. Don't be another one of society's fuck-ups. Trap #16: The Trap of Fearing to Get Close to a Person You have probably been afraid of opening up to a person, as you have probably have met someone who is afraid of opening up to another person. Don't be afraid. Get close to people. Don't worry about the pain you might feel if something happens between you two. Get close, enjoy that time you spend close to each other. Sure if you stay away from people, you might never feel pain, but you also will never feel this little sensation called love. Trap #17: The Trap of Not Looking for Personal Problems Every person has flaws. They do not eliminate 100% of their flaws by the time they die either. It is impossible. We look at ourselves and find everything we can possibly find wrong with ourselves and aim to fix it. We do this until we die. Most all of other people do not even believe they have problems. They believe they are fine the way they are, because they can accept a mediocre life. Thinking about living a mediocre life makes me sick, as it should most others. Accept your problems, but ALWAYS try to fix them. To become a man of greatness means to attempt to achieve perfection, even with the knowledge it cannot and will not be achieved. When you reach for the stars, you may not quite get them, but you won't come up with a handful of mud either --Leo Burnett Trap #18: The Trap of Lack of Risk You have to take risks to enjoy your life. Without risk there is no fun. Without fun there is no reason for living. All the life wasted because of depression, suicide, and stupidity makes me sick. It makes me sick that I used be depressed, didn't see my flaws and didn't try to fix them, and finally that I didn't take any risks. I don't even see how I was so dumb. Take risks, live your life, and just freaking do it. When it comes to women, you literally have NOTHING to lose. Live. Live your life!!! Stop looking for a purpose, stop looking for answers, and most importantly stop believing all those lies you have heard about what's normal. Stop worrying, stop analyzing, stop all of your complicated thinking. Close your eyes for a minute and just stop thinking. Then I want you to take a deep breath, and GO OUT AND LIVE YOUR LIFE Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 1st, 2008
3:41 am	Jump I am about to fuck it up... just wait and you'll see. Update in about an hour. Current Mood: nervous (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, June 29th, 2008
8:04 pm	Let Me Fall I'm really not sure what I want to update about. It summer once more. Hooray! Life seems to be going well... or so I am led to believe. I like it when things are going well and when times are fun. This past week has been all sorts of filled with happiness, the kind that's been missing and it's good to have it start coming back. I hope this sticks around for a while. Current Mood: cheerful Current Music: Sweet Surrender - Sarah McLachlin (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 17th, 2008
3:55 pm	When Everything Else in the World Doesn't Matter... When she was dancing she looked so happy. Unbelievably so. There wasn't anything out of the ordinary around her, just the illumination of complete happiness on her face as she locked eyes. Nothing else that happened that night could have been better as that moment stands out more than any other. I want to be witness to that moment forever. And the thought of it depresses me because it's a happiness that she doesn't know. I would rather her have the memory than for me, so that she could know that happiness. But it can't be that way and the memory is only my own. Current Mood: sad Current Music: Bleeding Love - Leona Lewis (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 5th, 2008
11:06 am	As Life Recycles ...I have not forgotten. Current Mood: busy (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 27th, 2008
10:42 am	Ship It Why do I get so close and not finish?! Twice this weekend. First tournament I am in a three way tie for first, the top two get ~$300 prizes. My tiebreakers put me in third. I only got ~$50. Lame. Other tournament I am one of the last two undefeated players, playing the only other one for first place in a best-of-three match. I lost the third game. He got a piece of artwork valued around $700-$1000 for first place. I got about $100-$120 worth of prize, an art print (which is actually pretty nice) and some merchandise I'll be selling. I suppose I came out ahead on the weekend, including things such as travel expenses. So that's good. Current Mood: working (Comment on this)